I had wrote a long text about my journey with anger, (with the angle of relationship) and I felt it was dragging. I can summarize it by:
**I had so much anger when I was a kid over betrayal that emotions were hindering my good judgement, so I decided to never expose them to anyone. Instead, I fake it so I was never getting hurt again. But by the time I got to adulthood, I became tired and now the defense mechanism I designed became enabling to others. I still get angry at them for being weak and content, I cut them off and I become angry at myself for tricking myself in believing that anyone could ever live up to my expectations.**
(Phew, a 95 words summary out of a thousand word text. Cutting that amount of crap is just so satisfying.)
The root of the problem might be expectations. I have been accusing all the people around me of having unrealistic expectations of me. Well believe it or not, I am no exception. I’m having unrealistic expectations of other people. *Gasps!*
I expect people not to hurt me when I am both a ruthless initiator and an incredibly sensitive person. I expect them not to ask of me more than I want to give, while I expect they don’t give me anything that I don’t want. I have a terrible attitude when it comes to relationships. I don’t want to be in relationship with a whole person, I want to be in a relationship with an idea, a fragment, a dream, a possibility… something that interests me. A whole person with their baggage, their hurt and their flaws? It just seems too much of a hassle.
As soon as the moment has passed, that the idea is consumed, I realised that I’m in a relationship with a person that I don’t especially like. I get in relationship with people so they can fill the void that I have inside, like a vampire. And it is not one of the heart. This one is well guarded.
Then it becomes my expectations against theirs. I realise that I am usually not willing to put in the work, because I have no motivation to do so. Am I that scared of being hurt? This seems a bit shallow, even for me.
I’m in a real pecker in my relationships right now. And I am trying to face myself. I must be doing something wrong. I decided to change my attitude.
I know I SHOULD change my attitude. This is knowledge. I don’t have the wisdom to know WHEN and HOW I should change my attitude. Another problem; I don’t know if I wish to change my attitude to grow and really connect or just because it’s a lazy way to buy peace again, buy me sometimes.
No resolution yet.