Captain’s log: Anger and Attitude

I had wrote a long text about my journey with anger, (with the angle of relationship) and I felt it was dragging. I can summarize it by:

**I had so much anger when I was a kid over betrayal that emotions were hindering my good judgement, so I decided to never expose them to anyone. Instead, I fake it so I was never getting hurt again. But by the time I got to adulthood, I became tired and now the defense mechanism I designed became enabling to others. I still get angry at them for being weak and content, I cut them off and I become angry at myself for tricking myself in believing that anyone could ever live up to my expectations.**

RAAAWR!
RAAAWR!

(Phew, a 95 words summary out of a thousand word text. Cutting that amount of crap is just so satisfying.)

The root of the problem might be expectations. I have been accusing all the people around me of having unrealistic expectations of me. Well believe it or not, I am no exception. I’m having unrealistic expectations of other people. *Gasps!*

I expect people not to hurt me when I am both a ruthless initiator and an incredibly sensitive person. I expect them not to ask of me more than I want to give, while I expect they don’t give me anything that I don’t want. I have a terrible attitude when it comes to relationships. I don’t want to be in relationship with a whole person, I want to be in a relationship with an idea, a fragment, a dream, a possibility… something that interests me. A whole person with their baggage, their hurt and their flaws? It just seems too much of a hassle.

As soon as the moment has passed, that the idea is consumed, I realised that I’m in a relationship with a person that I don’t especially like. I get in relationship with people so they can fill the void that I have inside, like a vampire. And it is not one of the heart. This one is well guarded.

Then it becomes my expectations against theirs. I realise that I am usually not willing to put in the work, because I have no motivation to do so. Am I that scared of being hurt? This seems a bit shallow, even for me.

I’m in a real pecker in my relationships right now. And I am trying to face myself. I must be doing something wrong. I decided to change my attitude.

HA! Funny.

I know I SHOULD change my attitude. This is knowledge. I don’t have the wisdom to know WHEN and HOW I should change my attitude. Another problem; I don’t know if I wish to change my attitude to grow and really connect or just because it’s a lazy way to buy peace again, buy me sometimes.

No resolution yet.

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7 thoughts on “Captain’s log: Anger and Attitude

  1. The guys I tried to be in relationships with before all had that same problem. I wasnt in love with who they were but what they were. I was in it for superficial reasons and thats what I got back, then got pissed that they were being superficial and unrealistic in their expectations of me. I wasnt in love with the man but his looks, his image, feeling like Id won a hot guy and “proved” to my haters that I wasnt too pathetic to do so. Plus it made me feel hotter and more confident, boosted my self esteem…fir awhile. But it was all smoke and mirrors. There was no love there, only conquest. And it was mostly one sided. As for anger, Ive had plenty of it, and it usually is triggered by disappointed expectations of love and respect. I still havent gotten used to the fact that people dont owe me that for just being there or wanti g that. It has to be given freely. The more I bang my head against the wall trying to get in, the mire I hurt myself, not them. But I see memes all over the place to the effect of, “the right people and situations will come into your life. If you have to beg or force it, it isnt meant to be and they werent good for you anyway.” but there will always be that gnawing unfinished business, that unfulfilled desire. Its realizing if its worth pursuing thats the hardest decision to make. All I can say is Im thankful the Gods see things in us orhers dont, and most of the time we dont have to pine for Their love. The do teach harsh lessons, however.

    • I’m not talking about my lover, he has been supporting me through this crisis. I’m talking about relationships in general (friends, colleagues, family)… Thank god I do sometime choose my friends well. I have some long-term friend relationships that are harmonious and balanced that I wouldn’t trade for the world…

      I guess it’s a question of boundaries and to be able to recognize your needs from your desire! (Nauthiz! This rune is wayyyy too present in my life right now :P)

      • Well, Im talking about friends too, or more specifically, people Ive tried to be friends with who pushed me away for whatever reason. I get angry because I cant understand what Ive done wrong. I get angry because Im shut out because they dont feel as close to me as their other friends, I dont fit for whatever reason. I get angry, more like hurt, if people think Im crazy. I get angry at myself for failing to be what they want me to be to win their acceptance. I get angry most of all, at the ones who are close to each other and talk freely about everything, but are only polite and tolerant of me. Another movie line comes to mind, wondering what their reaction would be if I said, “I will be as merciful to you as you have always been to me.”

      • You know, I often find myself in the position of the person you are angry with. The distant person.

        I realised that I don’t fit in a group. I’ll never be part of a pack, I’ll always be a satellite to groups. And I think it’s only a deeply rooted social construct that made me want to be in a group. I realised that being a nomad empowered me, and the ties that are nourishing and essential for certain types of people were in fact killing me slowly lol

      • Well, I like being a loner too in some ways, but sometimes love just talking to the ones I feel close to. Especially if we have things in common. The thing with me is, there actually are not that many I want to be close to. As for the general public, most of the time I want to be invisible. So the few I want to be a part of hurt me when they get buddy buddy with each other but shut me out.

  2. ‘Expectation is the beginning of heartbreak’
    You and I – we may seem so similar in that I agree that I have higher than average expectations of others and of myself – and this is my problem.
    But this is where we are different, however; my default expectation of others is that I will be let down by their behavior, and I need to remind myself that people have better intentions than that. People aren’t always out to let me down, and I have to focus on remembering that there were actually occasions when people *surprised* me by not meeting my expectations by being kind or helpful or loving instead of hurtful.

    • I feel sometimes that people do not have better intention than being in a relationship with their expectations. You are an optimist! But since I recognize my looming cynicism right now, I’ll try to make an effort. I think people are not concious of this. And more I get in relationship with people that are working on their conciousness and betterment, more I’ll be able to let go of my defences, my expectations and my doubts towards them and be able to work on myself instead.

      The thing is, I don’t feel like letting go of anger, but this is my bruised ego speaking.

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