Captain’s log: Money Wings

“Money wise, the Fire Tiger depends on luck. If he is ever rich, it’s going to be a coincidence.”

I remember laughing when I read that sentence in my Chinese astrology (because it’s true). I always wondered why the Chinese Astrology had a section about money. This very thought is the perfect example of my experience with money. I don’t really think about money all that much. I always end up being fine. I can manage my money in an “okay” way despite having been taught very little. I’m still paying student debts, but I work through it, despite having ridiculous amount of interests to pay.

I don’t really cared about money, but I worry. If that makes any sense.

I worry about limitations, about rigid schedule or budget, about counting. I can’t math. Those are problems that many people of the middle class experience, no doubt. Mine are not extraordinary. I’m used to make compromises or even sacrifices when it comes to my financial life. But when it comes to getting out of the comfort zone of my wallet, like getting a car, or having an unexpected expenses (like a 500$ electricity bill, wtf Hydro Québec), I freeze. Everything gets much trickier, much more emotional, and my thought pattern becomes suddenly completely irrational.

I start to ask myself questions such as “Why do I live like this?” “Why do I need anything?”, “Why do I always need expensive things, like an apartment, a car or electricity?” or to cultivate thoughts such as “I’m such a bottomless pit of needs and wants”, “I wasn’t born to be rich”, “I should just not do anything else than make money and eat white rice and lukewarm water or even better, die right now”. As you probably have guessed, at this point it is much less a question of money than of emotions.

Once again, my retarded moon of value that is playing a role in my relationships. But this time it’s a relationship with money and abundance. One of the reasons that could explain the aloof attitude I have towards money, is my father bitching every night for 10 years about the fact that his brother was being a huge asshole because he changed when he sold his company for millions of dollars. I don’t know why this story hurt him that much, I only had some glimpses of it, but it sure didn’t give me a really good opinion about abundance and money.

(Here in Québec, people né pour un petit pain (literally born for a small loaf of bread, meaning born to stay in the underclass). We are thought that the word “ambition” is a negative word. Not going too far into the psychoanalysis of a nation, but that probably one of the reason we are not a country yet. We are proud, but only once a year, enough to get drunk on our national day.)

But you know, the reason doesn’t really matter (except that I took time to explain it and you lost time reading it, ha! I really am a minx). What matters is the work I’m willing to put in so I am able to heal that wound about money and abundance.

My new car
My new car

So I decided to buy a car last week (pff yeah, only this). I have to say, my car was getting a bit dangerous, and started to cost a lot of money in sporadic repairs. During the week of transition, I really went through the whole scale of emotions concerning money. I went from not believing the numbers when I looked at my budget, to being super confident with it, to almost walking into the dealer and cancel my contract, to thinking about declaring bankruptcy and dropping out of society to live of the land in Honduras. But I had a lot of support to go really go through the whole process. My mom and dad, my lover, my teacher, my colleagues, my car salesman (seriously, this guy was so understanding and flexible, lol), and I finally decided to live up to my freaking decision and get the car. I’m grateful to have such an awesome entourage.

I’m fixing the debts with the bank right now. My office’s Sales Director gave me some pretty good cutthroat advices to negotiate rates and margins. The last one before he walked out of my office was: “Take no prisoners”. Y’all think I can do this? *wink wink*

I remember a few years ago being all pissed that I had no “means” and that the world was conspiring against me. I think in the end, I had to learn that money is not a goal or not my enemy. It is a tool. It is with many experiences that I will come to trust myself and my “money-wielding” ability. In the end it is also about trust and surrender.

Trust and experience, surrender and value.

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