Captain’s log: About love, take 2!

 “There was love in your relationship with R.”

“Yeah, no. She loved the idea she had of me. Our relationship was flawed at the very core. There was no love.”

“Maybe you’re not good with recognizing love, but there was love in this relationship. If she wouldn’t be as bat shit crazy and nasty, you’d still be with her.”

Just cause it’s beautiful. Modigliani, of course.

When G. told me that I had a lot of resistances. I still have, to be honest. It seems very difficult to accept today, even more when taking a step back. I don’t understand. I was deeply unhappy, but there was love?  Maybe there was love from her side and somehow, in my desperate attempt to catch up on it. Maybe. Who knows?

In a relationship, there’s always this person that is a tad more in love, nurturing to the relationship, easily connected, or more willing to spin the thread of love. I think it’s normal, it’s pretty rare that you will see two persons connecting in the exact same way, right off the bat! In an honest relationship, the person that feels the pull from the other person either raises to the other’s level or let it go. Make it, or break it. The miracle occurs when you make it!

I rarely was the more loving person, maybe because I felt I had very little to spare. I often felt in debt to the person doing the loving, as if I had to give them back every bit they gave me, just as intensely. And that was exhausting! Keeping score, that is.

I realise now that my conception of relationships are profoundly and utterly western and it is really depressing. I like to praise myself for my intellectual flexibility, but when it come to my emotional body, it is rigid and constrictive. Well, it is getting better, but it is a hard to completely stop to applying a logic-proofed principle to such a messy problematic like feelings.

It worked for 7 years with MAF because we were both lukewarm when it came to feelings and loving, but we were passionate about life! Our association was fruitful because we had the same amount of love to spare and we were really harped on about the principle of give and take. It would have worked perfectly in a business transaction, but I failed to account the very nature of what I was dealing with.

Love has no price and it doesn’t equal to anything else than love. It is not something that is summoned. Love is already there. Or already gone. It is not something you can shape. It shapes you, but have you let it. It’s an exercise in consistency and authenticity, not in “commitment” and “honour”. It is much less palpable than I would like it to be, much less structured. And this scares the shit out of me, mesdames et messieurs.

I brag about being able to reach balance in physical and intellectual chaos, but I still have to understand a much weirder form of chaos. A few years back, I had written a text that I consider to be a stepping stone in my conception of love: “Sporadic Love is as true as linear love. It’d just more hermetic.” It’s not love stories, it’s moments where love lives. You have to be able to recognize it and to live them. The trick is to not desensitize yourself, to always keep you heart open: not bleeding out, but beating fast. 🙂


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