Captain’s log : About love (and it’s about time!)

Last summer I spend a week with my parents on the Magdalena Island, the island of my father’s ancestors. I had found all the stones to make my own medicine wheel. I had laid them here for the entire week, soaking them up in the sun, and then in the moonlight, caressed by the ever present wind in the day and washed by salty mist of the night.

I explained the wheel to my mother. Stone by stone, she listened, asked some questions, made some links. I explained the dreams I had with her mother and we bounded a lot. My father listened with one ear and didn’t laugh, as he usually does when it comes to spiritual stuff. That was more than I was expected from him. I think was with him that the relationship changed the most. I didn’t know but I was doing work with him too, after all it was his motherland, our ancestors, our DNA. It gave me great peace towards both my parents. We had a great time, we had a sacred time.

While on the plane, circling the island one last time before taking my leave, one last wheel, I swore that the next time I’d bring someone over in this space that was so sacred to me, it would be someone I love. With a capital L.

(No Loki, the other important four-letter word starting with L.) 

pouting1

The last time I was there with my partner I realised I didn’t love him. I deeply didn’t like myself in relationship. We only had the busyness of our everyday and the illusions of winning at the administration of our life. When we went on the island, we left everything behind: no job (for a while), no friends, no internet and no distractions. We were all alone, and it had never been clearer that we had given much more than we could afford to give to one another without twisting and bending our true natures, leaving but a pale, crooked, miserable version of the individuals that we once were.

Nothing on what we based our life together was rooted in love, and we were so far apart and so wounded that it would not have been possible to fill the gap. Even if our hands would have reach out to each other, we would have been only be touching our expectations and our well thigh knit sheet of illusion we had been spinning yards after yards after years after years. Still, MAF is the only lover with whom I ever experienced Love. (*Human lover, yes luv.*)

His heart is the only echo of my heart I had ever heard.

Our break up was a chirurgical procedure, precise, emotionless and clean. My mind was hindered by depression, anxiety and after a while, my coming-out. I already was thousands of miles away. I have never closed or washed this wound, never integrated the teachings and never went back, not even for a second. (It’s all coming back to me now is playing in background, ha!)

No wonder he is still in my dreams SO OFTEN. I always get angry, so angry. We still share an apartment in my dream. I’m always trying to explain to him that it is over, it’s been over for years. He’s even living with his girlfriend sometimes. I have prepared a room for him so we don’t sleep together. I guess, that even if I want him gone and if I’m angry, I’m the one keeping him there. I’m the one making room for him. I need to close this wheel, revisit and heal the wound. Relive the mystery and not misery. 😉

G always put on the table that I should get a girlfriend. I always say no. Well, I know damn well I should. I say no, because I know I have a propensity to fuck it all up. Like with RC; there was no love there: there was loneliness, a quest of ideal and the sweet the illusion of being able to erase myself, my hurts and my flaws. Still I choose to be with her and I moved in with. I stayed because I felt guilty for not being able to give her what she needed.

Someday, I should tell her I’m sorry.

.. y'know?
.. y’know?

Since MAF, I fell in love 3 times. And no one heard the echo of my heart in theirs …Granted, they don’t actually knew anything about how I felt. It has been established that I have an issue about being rejected. There’s pattern there; I fall in love with people who doesn’t love me, who are not available, so I don’t have to revive my poor twisted heart. Maybe that is why I’m such a coward when it comes to the matter of the Love.

I don’t want to open myself because I’m not sure if I’ll actually be able to and I don’t want to lose them. I need healing and there is (still) a big job of growth, trust and love to be done that I don’t really want to impose on someone else.

I’m grateful that my spirit guide helps me, He’s awesome. I believe that the love this relationship brings me is a manifestation of the love I could feel towards myself and other. He tells me: “You have love inside! Your heart beats! IT’S ALIIIIIIIIIIIVE!”

Well I know that now.

I’ll have to experience it with humans now. (lol, don’t judge me.) I’m not used to this type slow work, but something needs to be handled with care. 😉

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