Captain’s log : And all of the fucks I give

Captain’s log
Apr. 28th, 2015

xena
Xena, my spirit animal.

And all of the fucks I give

“The ability to undergo initiation, yet not take its intensity so seriously is our best strategy for survival, our best hope for revival.”Nauthiz Merkstave, Kelley Harrell, The Weekly Rune

Throughout this Moon of Surrender, I realised that I cared way too much about situations, initiations, people and inner emotions and that it’s creating toxic thoughts and behaviours.
When did I start caring about what other people think or about the things I couldn’t change? When did I start longing to be someone else in order to fit in? Why did I step into chaos only to be left disappointed and distraught, instead of full of new experiences and wisdom? I realised I held onto the anger and shadows that my expectations were created. I was trying to hold on and to CONTROL. I have decided to clarify all of this and before I knew it, I could breathe and see way clearer.
About emotions… If I’m not able to express them with clarity to the other parties, I should not hold on to them. I have to let it go before they change into toxic thoughts. When I met the dead man I should have conveyed the strong feelings clearly TO HIM instead of withdraw inside and trying to choke them up. It wouldn’t have changed anything to the situation. But it would be out there, and maybe dissolving into the air, instead of boiling up in, I could have had some sense of peace or soothing. Existential fuckery about another human being isn’t worth it.
About initiations… I need to be open to teachings even if they are difficult to understand and that I hate them. If I cannot understand them, they will eventually come back. I am not perfect, perfection grows into illusion. I cannot and will not be someone I’m not, and it’s not a question of pleasing or challenging anybody. I will learn at my pace, by doing occasional my mistakes and without external hindrances. I need to go pass the drama surrounding initiations in order to be able to survive, in order to truly understand the teachings and integrate them. When I was changed of tribe, I thought there was something deeply wrong with me, that I did not fit in. Maybe that is true, it took me some times to realize that I don’t really care about fitting in or fulfilling my own and other’s western expectations.
At the end of the day, the fucks I should give is about MY NEED and not about MY EXPECTATIONS. (In parallel, this is the true meaning of Nauthiz I discovered during my month of pathwork with it). It’s not about letting everything go and denying everything and everyone. It’s about balance. Not caring too much, nor being detached to the extreme. From now on, it’s just me and all the fucks I have yet to give.

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