I decided to dissect my perceptions of every stones on the MW. That’s a pretty long process when you think about it (I started writing then realised I have too much to say on everything). I think in the end it will help me really figure out what is my perceptions and what truly calls me. Knowing the tendencies will help me see what I can heal and what is an integrate part of my personality.
Also, everyone reading this, whenever I talk about topics and stones that are precious to you and you think I’m not right, well, I’m sorry. The fact is that you are probably right, I write about my PERCEPTIONS and not actual facts. I hope you can forgive me if you feel I don’t give justice to your beloved one.
Let’s start with the anchors then… there are some concepts in each of them I feel highly called to, some I don’t like at all. I will try to justify my preferences, my dislikes or my feelings of indifference towards each one of them, in order to see what comes out of all this… Imbalances? Western perceptions? Denial? A true calling?
I will try to go as methodically as I can, even though it’s not really my cup of tea. I believe my complete (and grossly overpriced) western education will help me be clear and organised. Or I’ll just mimic Turtle Clan people.
I really feel comfortable in the East; I think many of us do. It’s what we show to the world and frankly if I didn’t have a fondness for the East I wouldn’t be making this a public process. I guess I value my façade a lot, how I present myself to other people; I also value the façade of others.
I remember someone told me while we were taking a corporate personality test (Isabel Meyer-Briggs): “I don’t like to be labelled and put in boxes! I think it’s reductive and that it does not truly reflect my personality!” I remember saying to him in front of the whole staff: “Come on, we all have a side that we want to show people, Think of it as a game!” Now, I wish I could add: “It’s a tool so we can get to know each other better, you might be much more complex than this, but it’s a doorway at least”. Funny enough, this guy and I ended up in the same category (ENTP), LOL!
When I am in a good state of mind, first contact with me is pretty much easy, I think. I believe I’m a friendly and outgoing, I put people at ease and I speak loudly about anything. I love social misfits and I make a point of bringing out the best of them, because they also bring the best in me. I think I see a bit beyond the surface, but I only work with what people want to give of themselves. (I’m a surprisingly good match maker!). I think I highly value how people see me, and maybe that’s why I have moderate (ok, sometimes severe) social anxiety.
When I’m in a bad state of mind, I usually want to be left alone. When people still want to connect with me, I feel exposed, I’m panicking. My façade then goes out of control and I feel like disappearing, (READ HERE: cease to exist), even if my inside voice is telling me: “everything is fine, nobody cares that you are flipping out, just allow yourself this moment of weakness and carry on”. I judge myself very harshly; every misstep for me is a big deal. I want to be able to CONTROL when and how I make a fool of myself.
Yes, for me, the East would be about control as well as letting people in. A playing ground with a protection net of some sort. Like, a place where you and I can connect or not, a place of deceit or wonder. It’s a place to judge and be judge, so why not give it your best, huh?